Joke of the Day: Jazz Musician’s Helpline
We don’t normally run humorous articles back-to-back, but this merits an exception. The “Jazz Musician’s Helpline” comes to us from Eric Holroyd, by way of Bob Romans – two excellent trumpeters on opposite sides of the planet. Bob, thanks for passing this along!
For those who play jazz and need an intervention, you’ve come to the right place. Enjoy!
Welcome to the JAZZ MUSICIANS’ HELPLINE. Your call is important to us, so please use the following menu system to shorten your wait:
If you are a bandleader wishing to know your opinion of yourself, press 1.
If you are a tuba/sousaphone player in a ‘classic’ jazz band inquiring which beats you will be expected to play on, press 1 and 3.
If you are a drummer wanting to know on which beats to press your hi-hat pedal, press 2 and 4 – regularly spaced if you can manage it.
If you are a banjo player inquiring about how many strings to buy for a complete re-stringing of your instrument, press 4.
If you are old enough to remember Dave Brubeck press 5 then 4.
If you are an agent wanting to know how much commission to charge, press 15. Or 20. Or 25. Or whatever number you fancy.
If you want to know the REAL length in minutes of a jazz musician’s ’15-minute interval’ enter any number in excess of 45.
If you are at a cultural crossroads between jazz and rhythm & blues and can’t decide which Route to take, press 66.
If you are over 60 and always forget to play the coda, press RECALL.
If you wish to express your opinion of what your bandleader makes of gig arrangements, press HASH.
If you are a bebop tenor player, press as many keys as fast as you can for 20 minutes or more or until the room is empty, whichever comes first.
If you want to know how much you THINK the bandleader is paying the other sidemen, press SECRET (if you have that facility; if not, think of the amount of pay you got for the last gig and add 10).
Whether jazz or classical, big band or small group, keep playing… 
Mark
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Tags: helpline, intervention, jazz, joke, musician
Joke of the Day | Mark October 29, 2009 | 
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