Almost every musician has one or more pieces that, once heard, they will never forget. Some people even take up an instrument specifically because of a particular selection. While some of our non-music-playing friends may not understand this, it’s something everyone with a “playing addiction” can readily comprehend.
Today’s quote speaks directly to this:
“Great music is that which penetrates the ear with facility and leaves the memory with difficulty. Magical music never leaves the memory.”
Sir Thomas Beecham, British conductor (1879-1961)
If you have a particular piece that began your musical journey or has inspired you along the way, pick it up and play it from time to time and let its magic wash over you again. And when you get a chance, share it with someone else. They just might get caught up in the magic, too. :-)
This little nugget of humor came across my desk the other day and I just knew I had to share it. In one stroke, it manages to pick on both percussionists and conductors; the only thing it’s missing is a good-natured swipe at violists, pipers, or accordionists. :-)
Enjoy!
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.” A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”
Friend and fellow trumpeter Stan Modjesky passed along a great clip that I felt must be shared with all. For anyone who has played in an ensemble, this is hilarious! And if you haven’t yet, it gives you something funny to look forward to. :-)
Of course, not all gigs are like this. But just one time with a quirky conductor/bandleader/frontman and you’ll treasure those memories forever. Eventually, you’ll have a collection of them, and they make all the hours of scales, exercises, and etudes worth it…all by themselves.
Without further ado, here is Mr. Bean conducting a Salvation Army Band. Enjoy!
This was sent my way recently and I just had to pass it along. With apologies to all of the good conductors out there; hat tip to Vitally!
How to Cook a Conductor
Ingredients
One large conductor, or two small assistant conductors
Ketchup
26 large cloves of garlic
Lard
1 cask of cheap wine
1 pound of bean sprouts
Honey (optional, but highly recommended)
2 pounds of yuppie food such as tofu or yogurt
1 abused orchestra
Method
Catch a conductor. Remove tails and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce.
Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the Principal Second Violin), and articulations; discard.
Remove hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your conductor carefully – many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a conductor, you will have to discard it and catch another.
Clean conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If it’s a good quality conductor such as from a major symphony orchestra you may wish to make it more tender by pounding the conductor on a rock with timpani mallets or by smashing the conductor between two large cymbals.
Pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the conductor in wine for at least 12 hours.
When the conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic.
Cover your conductor with the lard using vague, slow, circulating motions. Take care to ensure that every inch is covered.
Take your orchestra and put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over, making sure that there are lots of really loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings (Bruckner might be appropriate).
Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and woodwinds are always playing as loud as they can and that the strings are tremolo-ing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and to be sure to add the second repeats in really large symphonies. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of scores and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.
When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your conductor on top of the orchestra (they won’t mind as they are used to it) until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color, and all of the fat has dripped out.
Be careful not to overcook or your conductor, or it could end up tasting like stuffed ham.
Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts, and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender, and pureeing until smooth.
If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste.
Slice your conductor as you would with any turkey.
Serve accompanied by the yuppie food, and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.
Warning
Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery, and extraordinarily high concentrations of E. coli, cryptosporidium and other hazardous organisms associated with animal waste, the Department for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommends that consumption of conductors be limited to one per season.
In response to last week’s joke about horn players and light bulbs, fellow Part-Time Musician (PTM) and – you guessed it – horn player Karon Ismari sent me this one. Enjoy!
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb? A: No one knows, because no one watches them anyway.
Quote of the Day | Mark January 25, 2011 | 
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