As a bassist, I find bass jokes particularly funny. That’s because they’re talking about those other bassists, of course. So, in honor of all those other bassists… 
Q: What should you do when you come across a drowning bass player?
A: Throw him his amp!
Keep playing (and smiling),
Mark
Tags: amp, bass, bassist, drown, joke, player
Bass Guitar, Joke of the Day | Mark July 28, 2010 | 
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As a bassist, this one was just too good to pass up. Feel free to share with your bass-playing friends, as all bassists (by nature) have great senses of humor. We have to; we hang with drummers.
All the best,
Mark
NAME OF OFFENDER – ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE – _____________________________
[ ]Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ]Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ]Asking for “E” tuning note $25
[ ]Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
[ ]Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ]Failure to play written walking line $75
[ ]Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
[ ]Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
[ ]Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ]Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ]Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ]Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ]Ignoring drummer’s tempo $100
[ ]Following drummer’s tempo $250
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000
[ ]Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ]Playing audibly $25
[ ]Faking changes $25
[ ]Slapping $150
[ ]Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ]Excessive sweating $25
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ]Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ]Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ]Taking second chorus $100
[ ]Playing solo arco $400
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ]Playing “A Train” ending on every tune $200
[ ]Playing extended “A Train” ending on every tune $500
[ ]Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ]Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ]Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ]Playing with a pick $50
[ ]Tuning during ballad $30
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[ ]Attempting last word on final chord $50
[ ]Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ]Long gliss down to final note $200
[ ]Forgetting strap $10
[ ]Changing strings after every set $15
[ ]Using electric tuner $15
[ ]Setting up mic “just in case” $75
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ]Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass $150
[ ]Bringing fretless bass $500
[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[ ]Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ]Quoting “Birdland” $25
[ ]Practicing scales during break $25
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ]Practicing $150
[ ]Beginning a sentence with “When I was a guitar player…” $50
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are “into sequencing” $10
[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ]Continually asking “where are we?” $25
[ ]Continually shouting “Yeah!” $25
[ ]Asking bone player where “1″ is $50
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4′s $100
MUSICAL OFFENSES FINE
[ ]Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ]Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ]Asking for “E” tuning note $25
[ ]Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
[ ]Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ]Failure to play written walking line $75
[ ]Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
[ ]Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
[ ]Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ]Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ]Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ]Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ]Ignoring drummer’s tempo $100
[ ]Following drummer’s tempo $250
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000
UPRIGHT PLAYERS
[ ]Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ]Playing audibly $25
[ ]Faking changes $25
[ ]Slapping $150
[ ]Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ]Excessive sweating $25
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ]Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ]Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ]Taking second chorus $100
[ ]Playing solo arco $400
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ]Playing “A Train” ending on every tune $200
[ ]Playing extended “A Train” ending on every tune $500
ELECTRIC PLAYERS
[ ]Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ]Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ]Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ]Playing with a pick $50
[ ]Tuning during ballad $30
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[ ]Attempting last word on final chord $50
[ ]Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ]Long gliss down to final note $200
EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS – ELECTRIC
[ ]Forgetting strap $10
[ ]Changing strings after every set $15
[ ]Using electric tuner $15
[ ]Setting up mic “just in case” $75
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ]Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass $150
[ ]Bringing fretless bass $500
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[ ]Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ]Quoting “Birdland” $25
[ ]Practicing scales during break $25
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ]Practicing $150
[ ]Beginning a sentence with “When I was a guitar player…” $50
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are “into sequencing” $10
BASIC STUPIDITY
[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ]Continually asking “where are we?” $25
[ ]Continually shouting “Yeah!” $25
[ ]Asking bone player where “1″ is $50
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4′s $100
Tags: bass, citation, joke, offenses, player, ticket
Bass Guitar, Joke of the Day, Strings | Mark January 27, 2010 |
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This is the second in a series of articles about using YouTube to accomplish your goals as a musician. Many of these goals overlap, but today, we’ll try to keep our focus to using YouTube as a reference for working with (e.g. setting up, maintaining) your equipment.
Even with the numerous demands on our time, I firmly believe that becoming a “good musician” (whatever your definition) is more attainable now than it ever has been. Many factors contribute to this, including the widespread availability of good, reasonably-priced instruments…and the wealth of knowledge available to those who want/need it. While finding it can be a problem – as can distinguishing the good from the bad, just as with the instruments themselves at times – help is available on almost any topic imaginable. One of the best sources is YouTube.
Adjusting Intonation
This article addresses the guitar family, but rest assured it applies to all instruments. For today, though, our fretted friends offer the perfect example.
New or used, cheap or expensive, rare is the electric guitar (or bass) that makes its way into your hands with perfect intonation. While relief and pickup adjustments can be very helpful, I would suggest that adjusting your guitar’s intonation may be the single best (free) thing you can do for your overall sound quality.
Several years ago, I bought an inexpensive guitar pack to play around with. The bundled guitar was a cheap Strat knock-off, and while my expectations weren’t high, the guitar just was never “right”. The tuner would show that every string was in tune, but when you played a chord, it didn’t quite sound that way. Since I played only acoustic/classical guitar to that point and had always taken any problems to the shop for resolution, that’s what I did this time as well.
The tech was helpful, and he took a quick stab at adjusting the intonation. Although he didn’t make any noticeable improvement, he did encourage me to give it a try myself. So back home I went…and the first thing I did was pull up YouTube. Eventually, I found the video below, and (adopting dramatic voice) it changed my life. 
I sat down one evening and tinkered with the poor, cheap Stratocopy until it sounded like a real guitar. I was amazed at the difference! No, this simple procedure won’t transform a dime-store instrument into a mega-axe, but it just might make your beater a useful music-maker. The Strat that had collected dust for months (years?) now sees regular use and is a real joy to play.
After the success with the little Stratocopy, I turned my attention to my favorite bass. It had always sounded good, but with a little intonation TLC, it sounded even better. Again, rare is the gear that couldn’t benefit from a little attention! A word of warning: the more intonation adjustments you do, the better you get at doing them…and the more you crave the results.
For those Part-Time Musicians (PTMs) who don’t play guitar or bass, you (and your instrument/equipment) can still benefit from a little YouTubing. In future articles, I plan to address helpful videos for everything from woodwinds to pianos, brass to fine strings. Whatever you play, it’s very likely that something is in there for you. Finding it is the challenge.
Keep playing,
Mark
For those of us who play the four-string (or five, or six…), this is for you. Enjoy!
A BASS PLAYER’S 23RD PSALM
The Lord is my drummer, I shall not rush,
He maketh me to layout in tasteful places,
He leadeth me beside cool meter changes,
He restoreth my “one.”
Yeah, man, though I read through the trickiest of charts,
I will fear no train wrecks,
For You are with it.Your ride and Your snare they comfort me,
You setteth up a solo for me
In the presence of mine guitarists,
You anointeth my lines with drive,
My groove overfloweth.Surely good feel and swing will follow me
through all the tunes of each set,
And I will dwell in the pocket the whole gig long.
It just doesn’t get any better than that. 
Keep playing,
Mark
Tags: 23, 23rd, bass, joke, player, Psalm
Bass Guitar, Joke of the Day | Mark September 1, 2009 |
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